How to Go Down on a Woman
A guide to giving great oral sex
There are many good reasons to work on your oral technique.
Research shows going down on your partner can heighten her enjoyment of sex. Many women report that cunnilingus is “one of the most pleasurable sexual behaviors.” In fact, for some women, getting eaten out makes them more likely to climax.
If you want to know how to go down on a woman, you’ve come to the right place. As a lucky lady who’s received some fantastic oral sex from her boyfriend, here are my best pointers for you.
Follow these tips and you’ll soon be on your way to making your partner feel on top of the world.
Ask her what she likes
When I started planning this article, I told my boyfriend what I’d be writing about. Since he’s great at giving oral, I asked him if he wanted to share any tips.
“That’s difficult,” he said, “because there’s not one ‘right’ way to go down on a woman. It all comes down to the individual, and how she likes it.”
There you have it — lesson number one in a nutshell. Women vary; vulvae vary; desires and proclivities vary.
To give excellent oral, you need to understand your partner’s unique preferences. Women report having better orgasms with partners who know what they like in bed.
I’m a firm believer in the idea that great sex begins with a conversation. Talking about sex is not only educational—it’s also a great form of foreplay.
So don’t guess how your partner wants you to go down on her. Ask her long before you get to the bedroom!
Be willing to listen and learn, instead of assuming you know the answers. To begin with, here are some open-ended conversation starters you could use:
1. “Based on your past experiences of oral sex, are there any techniques you already know you like?”
2. “Based on your desires and fantasies related to oral sex, are there any techniques you’d like me to try?”
Get specific
The two questions above are good starting points. But to give masterful oral, it’s worth going a step further. Get specific!
For deep insight, sexologists suggest discussing four aspects of genital stimulation. Learn what your lady likes (or would like) in relation to each of the following: location, pressure, motions, and rhythm.
Please note that the following questions are discussion prompts, not compulsory scripts. If they feel too formal, you don’t have to stick to the wording below.
Feel free to rephrase them in a way that feels more natural and comfortable to you and your partner. The point is to learn about her turn-ons—and have fun in the process!
Location
Ask her: “where on your vulva should I use my tongue or lips?”
Your lady’s vulva is comprised of several parts. Find out if there’s anywhere she wants you to concentrate your attention. (If you need to brush up on female sexual anatomy first, take the time to do so.)
Personally, I love to feel my partner’s tongue between my inner and outer labia. I also enjoy long, vertical ‘ice-cream licks’ that cover the distance between my perineum and my clit.
But another woman might find those moves ticklish, or unappealing. Instead, she might prefer you to kiss the area on either side of her clit. After that, she may want you to tongue the entrance to her vagina.
There’s only one way to find out, and that’s by communicating!
Pressure
Ask her: “how firmly, or softly, should I use my tongue or lips?”
When it comes to genital stimulation, research suggests most women enjoy light-to-medium pressure. But your partner might be in the 10% of women who favor firm pressure that pushes deep into their genital skin.
Some women like you to start off very tenderly, and then work your way up to using more intense pressure. Different women will have different upper limits for what feels comfortable to them.
Talk to your partner to find out hers!
Motions
Ask her: “which motions should I make with my tongue or lips?”
Lots of women enjoy up-and-down, side-to-side, or circular movements of the tongue.
But some women want their lovers to use flicking, pressing, diagonal, or oval motions.
I prefer my boyfriend to circle his tongue around my clit, but use up-and-down movements when it comes to my labia.
Your partner will have her own unique combination of preferred motions. Go ahead and discover what they are!
Rhythm
Ask her: “Should I follow a consistent rhythm or pattern? How should I vary my intensity or speed?
I love it when my boyfriend licks my pussy in a slow, repetitive, rhythmic pattern. That feeling is so delightful, I like to lose myself in it for a while.
If your lady enjoys slow-burning sex, she may get off on a similar sensation.
But many women like their partners to keep changing speed, direction, or pressure when giving oral. That way, the stimulation stays surprising.
Maybe your partner wants you to alternate between soft and vigorous licks of her pussy.
Perhaps she’d like you to suck her clit after every third lick or so.
Does she want you to switch back and forth between fast tongue circles and slow tongue circles?
Talk to her and see. Her answer may surprise you!
A note on the above
Of course, sexual preferences are complex. Asking these questions once won’t capture every nuance of your partner’s desires. Her answers may vary depending on her mood and her level of arousal.
Still, the questions above can help you start to decipher your partner’s wishes. They’re designed to provide her with a language for requests that are tricky to articulate.
Based on her answers, you can tailor your oral technique to make it uniquely satisfying to her.
Make sure you’re both comfortable
By now, you should have had an illuminating conversation with your partner. It’s time to put what you’ve learned into practice!
Firstly, ensure you’re both relaxed and well-positioned.
She needs to be able to concentrate on the pleasure she’s receiving. Physical discomfort detracts from that, so check she’s lying at ease on a soft surface.
Your comfort is tantamount, too. According to sex counselor Ian Kerner, you’re well-positioned for cunnilingus if you can:
Easily adopt a wide range of motion.
Comfortably apply persistent, rhythmic pressure over time.
From where you’re lying, you should be able to lick your lover’s vulva from top to bottom.
Ensure you can also use your hands for stimulation as needed. It should be easy to put a hand on your partner’s belly, or slide your hands under her butt.
(As Kerner explains, cradling her buttocks will help you keep her steady as she gets more aroused. It’s also a great way of continuously fine-tuning the position of her vulva in relation to your mouth.)
You might find it helpful to cushion your forearms with a pillow. That way, you can stimulate her for longer without getting achy.
Build anticipation
Before you dive between your lady’s legs and start licking away, take time to tantalize her! Warm-up moves build anticipation and ultimately prolong her pleasure.
Touch her very gently, avoiding her genitals at first. Kiss her inner thighs. Glide your thumbs along the arches of her feet. Stroke the skin adjoining her vulva as you admire the magnificent view.
If she’s still wearing her panties, kiss her through them — it feels exquisite. Tease her for a while before your mouth makes direct contact with her vulva.
Eventually, give her a long, drawn-out kiss on her bare pubic mound. Then progress to a single, slow lick of her slit. She’ll be eagerly awaiting the sensation.
After that, draw on what you learned earlier by talking to your lady about her likes. She’ll know best how she wants you to proceed!*
Experiment as needed
*Of course, it’s worth noting some women may still be learning about their sexual preferences. Others may prefer you to take a more spontaneous approach to sex.
If your lady’s unsure what she likes — or if the questions suggested earlier felt too clinical for her — don’t worry. Turn oral sex into an exciting erotic adventure for both of you.
As you go down on your woman, vary location, pressure, motions and rhythm to learn what she enjoys.
Notice how she responds when you lick different parts of her vulva. Does she tighten her grip on the bed sheet when you use short, teasing licks? Does she moan or gasp with pleasure when you flick her clit with your tongue?
If she breathes faster and grinds her hips against your mouth, that’s a sign she’s aroused. Similarly, if she gasps and tightens her legs around you, keep going! You’re on the right track!
Learning her likes in this indirect way involves some trial and error. Still, her sounds and movements should indicate which moves she finds most pleasurable.
As you’ll see in the next section, noticing non-verbal feedback is an important sexual skill.
Keep observing her responses
For many women, there’s a fine line between ‘just enough’ stimulation and too much. The clit is a particularly sensitive spot.
With this in mind, when you increase the intensity of your licking or sucking, do so gradually. Keep observing her responses to avoid causing discomfort.
“A lot can be learned with simple observation,” says clinical sexologist Sonia Borg. “As a general rule, if a woman scoots towards you, she wants more pressure. If she moves her pelvis back and forth quickly, it probably means ‘faster’. If she pulls away, she wants less pressure.”
Don’t forget you can always clarify your partner’s wishes verbally as well. Sometimes, a simple “is this okay?” is all that’s needed.
Add stimulation with your hands
Oral sex doesn’t mean you’re limited to using your mouth, says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. Her female clients often tell her “they’d like their partners to use their hands more during oral.”
There are several ways you can use your hands to compliment your mouth’s activities.
First, you can touch other parts of your partner’s body to convey desire and arousal. For instance, you can cup her butt cheeks in your hands and pull her closer to your face as you lick her pussy.
Personally, I love it when my boyfriend is licking my pussy and reaches up to grab one of my breasts. It makes me feel like he can’t get enough of me, even though he’s already between my legs.
Additionally, you can try some simple fingering techniques. With your palm facing upwards, slowly insert the first two inches of your index finger into your partner’s vagina.
“You’ll likely feel her interior pelvic muscles throb in response,” says Kerner. He recommends keeping your finger still as you apply steady tongue strokes to her vulva. “Don’t rush to insert more fingers. There’s a delightful, teasing aspect to that single, still finger.”
Plus, by keeping your finger about two inches in, you’re staying where she’s most sensitive. “The outer third of a woman’s vaginal canal contains the most nerve endings,” explains Marin.
After a while, you could try curling your finger in a ‘come-hither’ motion. Stroke the top wall of your partner’s vaginal canal. I’ve found this sensation exhilarating in the past. Marin says it stimulates the internal fibers of the clitoris through layers of skin.
To create intense waves of pleasure, try licking your partner’s clit at the same time as curling your finger. That way, she gets external and internal stimulation simultaneously!
Show her you’re enjoying yourself
According to sex-positive educator Violet Blue, four common fears distract women from enjoying oral sex:
They worry their vagina doesn’t look ‘normal’.
They think they might smell bad.
They’re anxious they might taste bad.
They’re concerned they might take ‘too long’ to come.
Though you’re not responsible for your partner’s self-esteem, a genuine compliment can dispel insecurity and help her relax. Show her she doesn’t need to worry about any of the above on your behalf.
When my boyfriend described the taste of my pussy as his favorite taste in the world, I was beyond flattered. I felt liberated! He settled my fears about my natural taste being unpalatable. That freed me up to focus on receiving pleasure.
Similarly, your partner might appreciate hearing how gorgeous her wet pussy looks. Inhale her scent and tell her how turned on you are.
If she’s anxious about her climax, she needs to know you’re not in a rush for her to finish. Telling her how much you love going down on her can stop her fretting about tiring you out.
As the daughter of strict, religious parents, I grew up battling guilt about my sexuality. It took a long time for me to embrace my sensual side, instead of seeing it as shameful and sinful.
Now, enjoying cunnilingus is one way of celebrating the desire I used to repress. When my attentive lover eats me out, we both take delight in my gratification.
As a woman, I’m reminded my pleasure during sex is not only acceptable — it’s important. That’s a wonderful feeling.
If your partner likes receiving oral sex, you’ve got the power to spark similar joy for her. Great cunnilingus can make her feel beautiful, important, and cherished. Thanks for working on your technique — it shows you value her satisfaction.
If you’ve got any suggestions for giving unforgettable oral, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Great lovers are always willing to learn!
Thank you for reading!
I wrote this post for Intimately. It’s a publication for people who want to improve their relationships and sex lives.
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Image credit: Photographee.eu/Shutterstock
This article was originally published in Sexography on Medium.